Yesterday should have been the highlight of my year, I signed my first audio book deal for The Carrero effect and started the ball rolling with my audio publisher. It should have been a happy moment of achievement, smiles and celebrations…..yet it passed in a moment of silence between bouts of distressed tears in barely the blink of an eye.
See – I’m a mother and a fiancee, as well as being an author. I’m a person with normal everyday life issues and then some. Yesterday was the lowest point of my year so far because a lot of factors and feelings collided at one point in time and I had an epic breakdown of ginormous proportions.
I am one of those women who wear a smile everyday and never really let the outside see anything but social media queen, smiling and charming my way around the internet. Never have a bad day and life is always chipper. That’s me – Leanne the optimist, Leanne that finds a silver lining in any situation. Leanne doesn’t cry – ever. (ask family and they will agree). I am that woman others say ‘oh my god you have so got your shit together – you’re an inspiration’
I am a level headed problem solver and have a lot on my plate.
I am also human, and yeah did I mention – a mother.
It’s okay to not be okay. It’s even better to sob it out, spend a day in pyjammas and fall apart because sometimes it’s just okay to realize you are not superwoman and this shit is hard. It’s super hard, mind breaking , heart ripping , emotion ruining tough.
My kids are going through ordeals right now which feels like its bigger than the planet, as a couple me and my fella are going through some other normal life stressful stuff that is getting on top of me, and yesterday was the emotional end to my book 6. After every Carrero book I always do need a few days to recover and just let all that out normally. Let’s call it an accumulation of many factors in one awful day that started with a 2 hour sobbing session from my eldest child.
I broke, I sobbed, I poured my moans out onto my four closest of my team and I pulled through with a smile by the end of the day BUT the hours between those two points were that of a human who has just given up on life and stopped being responsible for everyone else.
All you mum’s out there who think people like me are weirdly organised, successful and have all my ducks in a row while living the glamorous author life – I want to be honest. Yesterday I did not a single thing , no housework, no cooking, not much work through the day, nothing except try and claw myself back together for the sake of everyone else.
I left my house in a state and it’s still a shambles today. I do not care. Fed my kids ready made microwave food that the perfect parent brigade would balk at, bypassed self hygiene and slept in the same PJ’s I wore all day. I never brushed my hair, never washed my face and ate too many packets of crisps in one sitting. I yelled at my kids, threw around washing to vent and then cried on a helpline to a stranger while trying to not completely lose my sanity.
Worst day ever – Yes.
Am I a failure for letting life get on top of me – No.
Today – I feel like a whole lot of weight has been lifted and my positive outlook is back. Being a strong mum doesn’t mean always having all the answers, the strength or emotional sanity. It’s not about being on the ball and having all the chores done, because well, life happens when you are busy hoovering. You got to do what you need to do – breakdown, let it out and take some me time to have an epic fail day once in a while. Once a day if needs be. Mum’s forget that our mental state is just as important as the families we care for. In fact, more so, because we are the glue that binds them all together and if we fall apart, then our children do too.
This crap is so much harder than they warn you about and the tiredness and frustrations you feel on a daily are only the tip of the iceberg.
See the reality is – motherhood makes you insane on so many levels.
It does not however mean, you’re a bad mother.
If I drunk wine then I would have shamelessly downed a lot of it yesterday and then sobbed in the bathtub while cradling it like a newborn. Luckily for my children’s sake I am not a wine partaker and did end up gorging on Wot-sits instead. Which isn’t really ideal seeing as I have hyperactivity allergies connected to orange color on snacks.
I just want you to know that sometimes when it seems you are at your lowest, things cannot look worse and nothing is fixable, that it’s okay to let it out and just stop for a while. Let it go. let it out. Admit you need help or need to cry. Reach out to others as we all know what this is like. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to admit – today I am not coping.
We’re not superwomen, we all hide reality behind closed doors and there is nothing shameful about not always being able to handle what life throws at us.
Your better day won’t be far away and you will weather the storm.