Lovers of my book The Carrero Effect book 1 will love this brand new alternate chapter.
This is chapter 14, part 3 (more to follow) re-written from Jake Carrero’s perspective as per requested by you, the lovely fans.
Please note there is swearing and sexual references and this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
The holiday- Part 3 ( Chapter 14, book 1)
Taking deep steadying breaths to get his temper under control he turned back and slid into the car once more, swallowing it down, breathing hard. Shutting the door gently and sitting motionless for a second.
He knew there was no way of coming out of this conversation now and he had to do this, for his own sanity if nothing more. Things between them couldn’t keep going on this way and last night had been a final line for him. He couldn’t stay loving a girl who only wanted friendship.
‘It’s not about sex Emma.’ He said quietly putting his hands back on the steering wheel to give him a point of focus but he didn’t start the car. ‘It’s about this eternal need in you to stay in full control…… Never letting anyone in, never letting yourself enjoy anything and letting your guard down.’ It was about her inability to love him the way he loved her and as much as he tried to always skirt around the issue there was no getting away from it anymore. It was make or break time.
‘That’s not true.’ She replied defensively, looking at him like a wounded rabbit caught in headlights. His gut aching again that he was doing this to her right now.
‘Really? Emma, I’ve been with you for months now, I’ve seen just about every version of you there is….Tired, grumpy, bossy, happy, pms’ing like fuck.’ He was calmer, her sad expression simmering the heat of his temper but his voice was strained, that edge to his tone that hinted at anger bristling below the surface. ‘I’ve seen vulnerable only briefly.’ He glanced at her and she looked away a little too quickly. ‘I get it Emma…You’re strong, you want everyone to see that. You don’t need anyone……. But it’s not who you are…And it’s not true.’
He didn’t want it to be true, he wanted her to need him.
‘Yes, it is… Do you ever think that maybe you overthink it and try to see stuff that isn’t there?’ She spat angrily, turning to him frostily and glaring him down in that way she intimated people at work. He didn’t even blink at it, he knew this look on her was nothing more than a defence mechanism to make people back off.
‘I think I know you better than most people.’ He sighed, knowing this was going nowhere that he wanted it too. He did know her, knew that he was fighting a losing battle and he no longer knew why he was even trying.
‘What if I don’t know how else to be, Jake?’ She turned to him accusingly ‘You keep pushing… Keep telling me to let go and what if I can’t? What if this is me… This is all I know… I’m not capable of doing it any other way because I don’t know how.’ She starts yelling at him, eyes brimming with emotion and he couldn’t help but ache. Even mad she was too beautiful for words, mad and closing him down little by little. All he was ever going to get was last night, the memory of a kiss that he wanted one more time.
Throwing caution to the wind and knowing this would probably make her madder than hell he thought ‘fuck it’ and threw his lips against hers. Without hesitation, his mouth moulding to hers and lips hungrily searching for the feeling of completion she gave him, surprised when she responded to his kiss and opened her mouth to meet his. Jake felt every part of him sag into her, his hands finding their own way into that soft hair, tangling his fingers and pulling that sweet mouth closer, tongues gliding against one another, lips perfectly connected and an easy motion of two people so right to kiss one another that it made him ache. He felt her fingers travel up his chest and tangle in his shirt collar, tugging him towards her and his heart soared. Maybe he had been wrong about this and she was finally letting go, tilting her head more to accommodate his mouth on hers, giving as much to him as he was to her, not breaking the embrace but pushing it higher and hotter. Breathing heavily and getting lost in the sensation of the kiss equally. They both moaned lightly as the kiss deepened, soft lips and intense feeling pushing him on.
He wanted her closer, needed to feel that body he longed for against him, letting go with one hand and sliding down to find her belt buckle and unclipped it. Sliding an arm around her waist he pulled her into his body as best he could in the small confines of the car, pressing as much as he could of that body to him hungrily, praying for seconds longer to enjoy this but feeling her start to lose the passion between them. Her hands loosened their hold on his shirt, her kissing still keeping time with his but he could feel her reluctantly pulling back as her palms turned to his chest and she gently started pushing him away.
Disappointment, anger, heartbreak all colliding at once as he reluctantly pulled away from her and sat back, letting her go dramatically and no longer able to keep his emotions in check. He looked et her with such devastation.
‘That’s exactly what I mean!’ He bit in pain. ‘This is your biggest enemy Emma…Not me.’ He tapped her temple with a finger, extreme crushing pain in his chest as he watched that soft expression move back to cold defensive PA mode, back behind her safe barriers.
‘Why did you do that?’ She spat at him, both of them breathing hard and trying to regain composure.
‘To prove a point.’ He snarled and turned away. He had no point to prove, just a longing to kiss her one more time and feel everything he had felt once more to savour it, because deep down he knew it would be the last fucking time. This was over.
‘What point?’ She asked him accusingly, anger and emotion all over that face. So confused. He scrubbed his hands through his ruffled hair and sighed, grasping at some sense of control and thinking he should just have gotten out and gone for a walk but he didn’t.
‘What does it matter?’ his voice was deflated. He was deflated and tired. He was giving up and just wanted to go back to the boat and forget this day ever started.
‘Fuck you.’ Emma snapped at him angrily, tears filling her eyes and shocking all the anger out of him. She had never actually swore at him while yelling like that and he was rendered momentarily speechless. He hadn’t ever seen Emma ever yell at him quite like that either. She turned shoving the car door out and was gone in a flash, storming away from the car but he followed in hot pursuit. Guilt eating at him and an inability to ever just let her be upset even if he was the cause.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
He caught up in seconds as she stalked towards the road, pulling her back into him and spinning her around to face him, tear stained and all and it just hit him in the stomach like a punch. Emma crying was something he could never handle, she rarely did it and when she did he felt like the biggest dickhead on the planet. He hated seeing her cry, it wounded him in ways he could never explain. She tried to fight him off angrily sobbing but he just folded her into his embrace, pushing his face into her hair and cradling her so she couldn’t get away, trying to soothe her.
‘I’m sorry….Emma stop…Emma. I’m sorry.’ His voice was raw and strained. She kept fighting but was losing against his sheer size and strength, she was no match. He just held her close, stopping her outbursts and trying to cuddle her in until she finally began to slump and give up the effort. Finally stilling in his arms, silently crying against him yet not really cuddling him back, he knew if her let her go she would still walk off.
‘I don’t want to fight with you.’ His voice was quieter, closer to her ear, his crazy mood taking a new direction again and just trying to stop the stupidity between them. No matter how he felt for her, above all she was meant to be his friend and friends didn’t hurt each other like this.
‘I don’t want to fight either.’ She swallowed a sob. Slumping into him dejectedly and he could only hold her closer, that horrid feeling of sadness sweeping through him again.
‘Maybe we should go back to the boat?’ He sounded tired, he was emotionally exhausted and physically fatigued from the events of the last twelve hours. He had no fight left in him and right now all he wanted to do was lay down and try and block all of this out of his head for a few hours.
‘Maybe.’ She whispered with slight relief and Jake just snapped. Losing his temper erratically for no obvious reason other than all of this just fucking sucked.
‘No.’ He snapped, surprising her and making her tense in his arms, looking up with a look of pure confusion.
Fuck this shit…Fuck her and everything she did to him!
He stalked to the car quelling the urge to push her away from him, placing his hands on the bonnet in a bid to stop the angry energy surging through his entire body. He needed to go to a gym and beat another boxing bag to death to get rid of it this time. Glaring at the hood of the car and wondering how much damage he could inflict before his hands gave out.
‘I can’t do this Emma.’ He snapped, his gaze was steady on the hood of the low sleek car. He clenched a fist and went for a punch, stopping it millimetres from the hood and laying his palm back flat on the hot sun heated surface. Deep breathing to try and kerb every internal crazy impulse.
‘Do what?’ Emma tried softly, keeping her distance and obviously a little wary of his mood. He tried to quell it some more for her sake.
‘This!…Us!’ He waved his hand in an exasperated motion, turning back to her, looking at her with sheer frustration and frowned.
‘You drive me crazy…and not in a good way.’ He sighed. Facing the car again. His body emanating all kinds of crazy signals no doubt but he had no control over all the crazy messed up emotions all colliding from months of this hell with her.
‘I do?’ Her small fragile voice sounded completely surprised. She had no clue at all the effect she had on him which only strengthened the fact she saw only friendship between them. She was so innocent and naïve to what this really was for him.
Too angelic for words.
He sighed again and his face tensed.
‘You frustrate me on so many levels.’ He carried on, deflated again. Just so fed up with everything that this was.
‘Sorry.’ She murmured sarcastically, he could tell she was probably eye rolling too, he wanted to just forget he ever met her.
He threw her an unamused look over his shoulder, seeing her look down to twiddle her fingers nervously and it only made him sigh. Looking back at the car to get a grip on himself and reality, he began kicking at the solid rubber of the tyre with his boot toe childishly, trying to just distract his head from the urge to throw something.
‘Why do you never talk about your childhood?’ His tone changed again, trying to change this whole topic to something…anything. He didn’t even know why he would choose this topic among them all.
‘What? He heard the defensive scared tone in her voice instantly ‘There’s nothing to talk about…. You have knowledge of the highlights.’ She said drily, that warning tone in her voice she used when the conversation was over.
‘I know bits and pieces Emma, mostly from getting you drunk?’ He glared at her accusingly, so pissed at everything right now. Especially this one-sided fucking relationship they had.
‘Where is this going?’ Emma glared back at him suspiciously, always closing him out. He was sick of being shut out.
‘It hurt you?’ His eyes came to rest on her, trying to push every ounce of aggression away again. She messed him up in so many ways and she just had no clue at all. She looked away, crossing her arms around her body protectively and he just felt himself sigh and crumble inside.
‘It’s the past and it should stay there.’ Her voice wobbled a little this time with emotion and she moved away to turn her back on him.
‘Your mum?….You don’t talk about her much either.’ He pushed, his voice gentle. Coaxing her to open up about this gave him a little hope that he meant something to her at least.
‘She’s my mum… What else is there to say?’ She replied coldly, still keeping her back to him defiantly.
‘Tell me about her.’ He turned on the hood of the car and sat down to watch her, intrigued that for once he wasn’t having to battle any information out of her and was helping take his mind off of other matters. Her poise was hostile and stiff but she hadn’t ended the conversation.
‘My mum is a sucker for a sob story.’ her voice was raspy with emotion yet held a hint of anger, at him or her mother he wasn’t sure. He hated knowing that she had never had the childhood she deserved, hated knowing she had been hurt in ways that someone like her should have never endured. ‘That’s about all there is to her.’
‘She has bad taste in men?’ He got up silently and moved towards her, aching to soothe her while she talked about this stuff, just wanting to be there for her. Despite everything. She walked further off putting the distance back between them a little as though she had sensed him getting closer, always holding him at bay.
‘That’s an understatement.’ She snapped angrily.
‘They hurt you?’ He had moved faster, gotten to right beside her before he had spoken again. Impulsively reaching out to her like he always did when she was close, the smell of her shampoo in the fresh air luring him against her, his fingers moving into her hair near her ear. Flexing his fingers into her scalp, causing her to lean into his touch, with a sigh and dampening over his mood like a balm. Touching her always brought him calm this way, even when the topic was hard to digest. She leant into him bodily and he was lost to her, his other hand sliding over her shoulder on the other side and sliding down her arm a little. Savouring the softness of her creamy skin.
She always feels so fucking good.
Leaning in close to the back of her head, breathing slowly and placing his mouth on the back of her hair, inhaling her and curbing the urge to kiss her pain away.
‘Some…. Some just wanted to….’ Her voice weakened as she swallowed hard. His hand left her arm, snaked around her waist and pulled her into his body smoothly. His mouth moving to her neck gently and pulling her tight and close to him to be the strength she needed.
‘She didn’t protect you.’ He whispered against her collar bone, the soft delicate smell of her skin bringing him a sense of complete calm, the gentle soft curves of her body making the pain in his chest fade a little and he just held her, wanting to always keep her safe.
‘She did what she could.’ She mumbled, softly allowing her body to meet his, having a little too much of an effect on his ability to think clearly and instinct at being joined with her was taking control. He couldn’t stop his nose skimming her shoulder and neck, the hand that was in her hair trailing down her naked arm and wrist and back up. He couldn’t deny that no matter what he would always want her this way, always want to touch her and devour every inch of her. Even while trying to give her solace about that bitch mother of hers a part of him wanted to turn her in his arms and just kiss the pain away, lose himself in that mouth and against that honey sweet tongue.
‘She didn’t stop bringing men around her child, Miele.’ His voice was hoarse with a mix of emotion and lust and he felt her tense again, this time he knew it was at his words not his action, his mind coming back to what he said and honing in on a tiny glimpse of Emma’s past.
‘Why did you leave Chicago…Leave her?’ His hands were still trailing down her arms and up again, but his focus was fully on her words now, the thought that his Emma had run from home to find safety in New York of all places. The thought of the girl he knew running scared from anything made him feel sick to his stomach.
‘I needed to walk away from all of it…. I needed to save myself because no one else was going too.’ Her voice broke a little and he knew without turning her there were more tears and it tore him open to the bone.
‘I think you need to talk to someone about all of this Emma….a counsellor… I could …’
She jerked away instantly, spinning to glare at him angrily. All moods snapped closed with simple words and suddenly she was fire and anger and squaring up at him like he was the enemy.
‘Not a god damn chance.’ She spat, all venom and pain in her face. ‘I’m not fucking crazy!’
‘Emma that isn’t what I said.’ Jake responded a little surprised at her sudden turn around in mood, seeing a side of her she normally kept so under control. Sheer emotion and rage seeping from that beautiful face. He attempted to put his arms around her gently again but she held out a hand stopping him. He stayed back, allowing her breathing space to vent.
‘Don’t okay…You wanted to know…Now you know and that’s the end of it.’ The strength was back in her voice…PA Emma had returned and she stalked past him towards the car, keeping her eyes averted. Her whole demeanour closing up, standing taller and her grace and mannerisms of the polished PA sliding in defensively. He could read her signs, she was putting that fucking wall back up because he was an idiot that somehow always pushed it.
‘Don’t do that.’ He snapped accusingly, following her back to the car, close on her heels, he grabbed her arm to turn her but she yanked it away.
‘Do what?’ She yelled, deliberately looking anywhere but him in an attempt to get away. He grabbed her arm again and tugged her around to face him harshly, this time succeeding.
‘Don’t shut me out again… Clamp down like you always do….Not after everything ….I’m sick to death of this never ending fucking circle.’ He raged losing his temper at always feeling like he would get so far and then boom, door would be slammed shut in his face again, driving him crazy.
‘I didn’t want to tell you… You just keep pushing.’ She wrenched her arm away, chin lifting defiantly.. ‘Let’s go back to the boat. I’m hungry and I’m tired.’ She sounded so cool and closed off he could feel himself erupting again internally. Always the god damn same shit with her. He lifted his hands to grab at mid air in sheer agitation, not sure if he could choke her about now and gritted his teeth, eyes burning and he paced away from her again, cursing and raging into the open air. She ignored him turning and getting back into the car. Jake walked to the car and got in, slamming his door and buckling up in complete stony-faced silence.
‘Conversation fucking over!’ He muttered to himself, starting the car and throwing it into gear as he pulled back out onto the road, he turned the car and headed back to where they had come from, neck breaking speed to expel some of the energy building up inside of him wanting to blow out like an explosion.
He turned up the stereo loud indicating he wouldn’t attempt conversation, in fact he had nothing left to say to her. She was just messing with his head in all kinds of ways and he couldn’t do this anymore. Noticing her hand in her hair twisting it anxiously he lost what hold he had left of his temper, seeing her like that always irritated him but now it just fucking enraged him. He tugged her hand out of her hair aggressively.
‘Stop fucking doing that!’ He barked over the music, eyes glinting at her with fury. She glared back haughtily.
‘That hurt.’ She snapped, reaching out to turn the music down, he had no idea what was even playing it was all just noise to drown her out and it was failing. She touched her head at the root of the hair she had been twisting indicating she had pulled it and he felt bad despite his anger, he always felt stupidly guilty when it came to her. She had a way of making him feel like the biggest asshole on the planet effortlessly. Maybe being an asshole was what he should be doing and kill this once and for all. If they weren’t friends maybe they could just be professional and not give a fuck about each other anymore.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ He apologised through gritted teeth. ‘I’m sorry.’ He meant it but it sounded like it lacked conviction, he was done with all of this and he just had to get her back to the boat and out of his face for a while so he could think.
‘I don’t know why it bothers you so much.’ She spat at him. ‘I don’t know I’m doing it.’ Angry flashing eyes aimed his way once again and he literally wanted to just hit something.
‘It bothers me because it’s a sign that you’re anxious…That you’re nervous or upset…I don’t like it.’ He snapped back, sick of feeling like this all the god damn time, sick of feeling like he should walk on fucking eggshells around her.
‘Oh, so you want me to unleash vulnerable Emma, but only if she doesn’t act nervous or anxious… Makes so much sense.’ She seethed. He glared at her, his jaw tensing, fire meeting fire. The sizzle of electric between them causing the air to crackle. He looked away and focused on the road, gripping the wheel hard in an effort to not slam something with his fist. She brought out so much rage in him with so little effort.
He got them back to the port in record time and didn’t bother to get out when they pulled up, waiting for her to open her own god damn door and go first so he could take a minute to hang back. He took a moment to calm down and was glad to see the speedboat was still moored to the jetty, he wouldn’t have to wait around for the ships crew coming for them, guessing the captain was still in town after bringing them over here and he would send the boat back for him later, he had Jakes number.
Going back across the water to the boat was silent and she kept herself standing away from him, gripping the rail and looking out to sea. He wasn’t going to try anymore, he had made up his mind that enough was enough and he was ruining everything by being fucking hung up on her. He had to remind himself that she wasn’t anything more special than a million other girls out there. He just needed to get her out of his head and he could only do that with some real time apart. Maybe that was the issue, too much time spent together every god damn day had made it impossible to ever really move on.
When they moored to the back of the yacht Emma didn’t wait for him, just hopped up and off the boat and headed up to the top deck. Jake handed off the rope to the crewman who appeared to greet them.
‘Someone will need to go back for Max later, call him and tell him I brought the boat back.’ Jake said abruptly and left the young man to securing the boat before following Emma upstairs.
When he got up on deck, Emma was already at the buffet making a food plate, her back to him and he seriously felt like yanking her around and just choking her for once in his life. She had him so wound up and pissed that he couldn’t think straight. No woman except maybe Marissa had ever caused this amount of a reaction in him and he needed to be far away right now.
‘Oh, the love birds have returned.’ Leila squealed and threw herself around Emma for a hug, she grinned Jakes way but he only glared back.
‘We went for a drive.’ Jake glared at anyone who dared to look his way then turned on his heel and headed back to his room, he wasn’t staying here for this crap feeling like this. He needed head space and time out. Heading back down to the lower floor he pulled out his phone and text Daniel.
You may be right about putting my Plan B into action. J
He got to his room just as Hunter replied, he had his phone sent over to him with belongings first thing this morning before heading out with Emma to make his stay in hospital more comfortable.
Sorry to hear it man but onwards and upwards… Fuck her out of your system.
Jake stared at the screen for a moment before sighing in resignation.
I intend too, see you in a few days. J